We Are Winning Championships, But Losing Players

May 21

Your kids aren’t stupid. They can see it; and, worse, they can feel it. They do their best to suppress their feelings of anger and sadness as waves of confusion and doubt relentlessly pound into their self-worth, slowly eroding what little they have left of it. While they smile for the Iphones and hold their pointer finger in the air trying to convince themselves that they are also #1, they secretly wonder, “Do I even belong here?”

The problem with youth sports is that the adults in the room want to win more than anything else–more than what’s actually important.

Let’s be honest, who doesn’t love a good Instagram post with everyone holding their pointer fingers straight up in the air, exclaiming We’re #1 after a Championship victory?!

Me too. I love to see my own kids’ success in everything they do. I’m happy to comply with the occasional perfunctory insta post bragging about my kid and their team. But let’s be clear on what success means, and what’s most important to long term success, not just short term.

In the drive for success, many youth sports programs adopt a "win at all costs" mentality.

But buyer beware: “winning at all costs” is the equivalent of a 2-year-old throwing a tantrum in the middle of the grocery aisle, stomping their feet, and screaming "I WANT IT!”

And, as an adult, when we WANT something, we have the ability, unlike the 2-year-old, to do whatever it takes to get it: A la winning at all costs.

But The Price Is Wrong, and in the words of the late Bob Barker, “You’ve overbid.”

When our drive to win at all costs overcomes the drive to meet the NEEDS of the kids we coach, we begin to unintentionally instill a rewards system that favors skill over character, and short term success over long term success. And our kids see it and feel it. Like I said, your kids aren’t stupid.

I’ve seen it and felt it as a player, coach, and now as a parent. You’ve seen it too. It’s the kid who gets subbed out of a game, and whines to the coach about coming out. It’s the kid who makes a pass that gets intercepted and yells at her teammate for not coming to it. It’s the kid who gets the ball stolen and throws her hands in the air, yelling “Foul!” to the referee, while the rest of her team recovers on defense. It’s the kid who hits a slow roller to 2nd base and gives up running hard to 1st base…and then the 2nd baseman bobbles it…and he could have actually been safe if he ran hard.

And then, all of these kids still start and play most of the game. Why? Well because their talent helps their team win games SO THAT they can win Championships SO THAT they can get a trophy SO THAT they can smile and hold their pointer finger in the air SO THAT the ADULTS can feel good about themselves because they WANTED TO WIN AT ALL COSTS…

This needs to stop. We need to stop using our kids to prop up our own egos. We need to stop chasing what we want, which is short term success, and we need to start pursuing what the KIDS NEED.

When we adopt a "win at all costs" mentality, this often produces short-term victories, but the long-term consequences for young athletes can be serious and damaging. Here is a breakdown of the mental and psychological toll this mindset can take:

1. Chronic Anxiety & Perfectionism

Youth athletes begin to tie their self-worth directly to performance and results.
Mistakes are seen as failures, not learning opportunities.
This can create a constant fear of failure and a toxic internal pressure to be perfect.

2. Burnout & Loss of Passion

When the emphasis is solely on results, sports begin to feel like a job rather than a passion.
Long hours, overtraining, and pressure to perform lead to physical and emotional exhaustion.
Many athletes quit not due to lack of talent, but because they no longer enjoy the game.

3. Identity Confusion

Kids often internalize the belief: "If I'm not winning, who am I?"
A fragile sense of identity develops, based entirely on external success.
This can lead to low self-esteem and difficulty coping with setbacks.

4. Strained Relationships

The pressure to win can create tension between players, parents, coaches, and teammates.
Competition overshadows connection, and team culture becomes toxic.

5. Unethical Behavior

When the outcome matters more than the process, cutting corners or cheating can be justified.
Winning becomes more important than respect, fairness, or sportsmanship.

6. Long-Term Mental Health Challenges

Habits developed under constant pressure—such as suppressing emotions, ignoring pain, and tying value to success—can lead to depression, anxiety, and unhealthy coping mechanisms later in life.

So what do we do??

As a player, coach, and parent, I have seen it all. I have coached all ages and levels from youth recreational to Division 1, and have watched my kids practice and play and have realized that, at all levels, my kids and the players I’ve coached all have the same Basic Three Needs. And although they all have the same needs, it is SO SO important that these needs are met at the youth level.

This is not meant to bash coaches and parents, because I know it takes a lot of time and effort to be a youth coach, volunteer, or a youth sports parent. And, in 99% of instances I have witnessed, coaches and parents aren’t actively trying to NOT meet these three basic needs, but stuff gets in the way….such as egos, parents questioning coaches, parents complaining about playing time and not winning, and the coach not knowing what s/he is doing….and the list goes on.

My goal is to break down these three basic needs and how we can meet them for youth players, which I would consider “youth players” as 12 years old and younger.

Basic Need #1: Have Fun.

Yes, we all hear it and sometimes think it’s “fluff,” but it is estimated that almost 2/3 of kids drop out of sports by middle school. The #1 reason why?? They aren’t having fun. So make it fun! As I mentioned, I coach college soccer and I can tell you that a modified game of tag at the beginning of a practice is fun and it puts everyone in a good mood. The players look forward to it, and it sets up the framework for a positive, energetic practice. And then we get to work! If you coach a team sport, put the players into two teams and let them simply play at the beginning of practice without you coaching. They will be more creative, less stressed, and less worried about making a mistake (more on that later).

I am not saying that every practice every day needs to be fun, but I am telling you that fun is important. I’ve had practices where I scrapped the practice plan and played a game of kickball because my staff and I could feel something was off. That decision alone did a world of good. It relieved stress for many players and it brought out competitive juices for others. The players also had a chance to relate to each other on a different level–as friends–instead of just teammates.

The best part about making a practice fun? Everybody wants to have fun, so everybody wants to come to practice! There’s enough stress on, for example, an 8-year-old kid to play a sport. There’s the stress of trying to win a game, the stress of doing their best for mom or dad watching in the stands, the stress of fitting in with teammates, the stress of picking the right shoes to wear, and the stress of learning new skills…which brings me to my next point…

Basic Need #2: Growth: Learn New Skills, Make Mistakes, Improve, Repeat.

I am sure we have all heard the terms “Growth Mindset” and “Fixed Mindset.” In short, “Growth Mindset” thrives on challenges and sees failures and mistakes as stretching our abilities. The “Fixed Mindset,” on the other hand, assumes that ability, intelligence, etc. are in fact a fixed stat and cannot be changed. We want to teach our athletes the “Growth Mindset” so that they develop autonomy, confidence, and a strong, positive self-efficacy.

Growth is hard. Learning a new skill is hard. It’s uncomfortable. It’s scary. Think of the last time you tried to learn a new skill, and when I say try, I mean physically attempted the new skill. Was it hard? Were you frustrated? Did you make mistakes? Did you feel like a failure? If so, these are some of the same emotions young athletes feel when they are learning new skills, and these are all natural, normal, and necessary for growth. The basic, foundational skills need to be taught and learned through this repetitive process, and we, the adults, must cheer them on when they ATTEMPT the new skill. Cheer them on when they try, when they make a mistake, and when they try again. ENCOURAGE THE PROCESS.

Whether you are a coach, parent, or player, developing both individual skills AND team skills are equally important to growth. Most of us are aware of the individual skills needed for various sports–throwing, catching, kicking, dribbling, etc. These are all basic individual skills. And they are important. But so are team skills, which are the skills to work (and eventually win) together as a team. In essence, it’s teamwork, but teamwork doing things the right way.

It might be easiest to start with examples of what teamwork and team skills don’t look like because many of us have witnessed these scenarios. It’s the youth basketball game where the one or two best players are always told to dribble and shoot, while the rest of the team feigns getting open for that pass that rarely comes their way. It’s the youth soccer game where the biggest, fastest, strongest player plays forward and the game plan is to pass the ball to said player for them to score. It’s the softball/baseball game where the best players always play the same, high-traffic positions, such as first base and middle infield, while the lesser skilled players are sent to outfield, in hopes that the ball never reaches them. It’s the football game where the best arm is quarterback and the only other two players who ever touch the ball on offense are either the wide receiver (because they can catch the ball) or the running back because they are big, fast, strong, etc.

Seen it before?? Me too. But why? Well, again, because we all want to win.

And trust me, I want to win too, but at the youth level we are losing when we do this. Sure, we can win more games this way, but at what expense? When we do this, we are telling those lesser skilled athletes that their skills are “fixed.” We are telling these athletes that they aren’t good enough to play in a specific position. We are telling these athletes that they aren’t good enough and that we don’t value them because they can’t help us win a game today. Ouch.

Basic Need #3: Value And Love Them.

Basketball coaches, let every player have a turn dribbling the ball down the court, even though some will dribble it into the hands of the other team. Soccer coaches, teach your players how to pass, even if they can’t all trap the ball very well. Softball/baseball coaches, rotate your least skilled player to first base for an inning every now and then, even though they may never get an out. Football coaches, let the smallest player be running back now and then, even though they may lose yardage. Sure, you might lose the game, but you will be WINNING those players. You will build their confidence. You will show them that making a mistake is ok. You will help instill a love of the game.

See them when they try. Encourage them when they fail. See them when they perform a skill well and tell them, “Good job.” Listen to their questions and hear about their struggles and their victories. Value them. Love them.

To be seen and heard is to be valued. To be valued is to be loved. THEY WILL FEEL ALL OF THIS. YOUR KIDS AREN’T STUPID. They see it, hear it, and feel it.

If you are a young athlete, parent of a young athlete, or youth athletics coach, let these 3 Basic Needs be your guide.

Athletes: Have fun, grow, and seek value through who you are, not what you do.

Parents: Evaluate your young athlete’s experience based on whether or not these needs are being met, and strive to meet them as well.

Coaches: Do your very best to instill these needs into practices and games.

Help build and foster these foundational skills so that when they are in middle school, high school, and beyond, they are fully equipped to deal with the wins and the losses. They will have fun, learn to win, and find value in how they play the game. They will love the game for what it has given them.

Again, I get it. I get wrapped up in winning, as well, and need to take a step back and ask myself: “What am I doing? Whose Needs are being met right now? Or, rather, whose Wants are being met right now?”

In those moments,

Pause,

and don’t allow those moments to turn into a season(s).

And when their playing days are long gone, they will tell stories of their youth sports days and about the parents and coaches who believed in them and who valued them. They will tell the stories of the fun games they played at practice and how much they loved playing for that coach. They will tell the story about the coach who gave them a chance, who encouraged them, and who saw them.

Be that coach.

By the way, coaches (especially volunteer coaches), we see you. We know you aren’t perfect. Thank you for being out there and doing your best. I hope you’re growing too. Oh, and I hope you’re having fun as well…