Man In The Mirror
My son recently had some friends over for a birthday party, and as the day faded away into evening darkness, the idea of a rousing game of flashlight hide-n-go seek in the house came up. The boys were all in for this game; that is, until they began to turn the lights off in the house…
One by one, they flicked all the downstairs lights off, until one tiny hallway light remained on.
Then there was a pause.
And then one boy slowly stammered, “Maybe we should just leave one light on?” followed by several softly spoken, “Yeah(s)”
As I heard that, all I could think was, Awww they are still just sweet, little boys afraid of the dark. How cute. How innocent.
That naive, fleeting thought was quickly interrupted by:
“I’m not afraid of the dark! I’m afraid of what’s IN THE DARK.” That sentiment was VERY agreeable to the group. No, it wasn’t the dark. Don’t be ridiculous! We aren’t afraid of the dark! We are simply afraid of what might be lurking in the dark.
As I stood at the top of the stairs listening, I scoffed to myself and murmured, “It’s the dark. They are afraid of the dark. But whatever you have to tell yourself to help you sleep at night is fine with me.”
What I really meant was: Whatever you have to tell yourself to avoid the truth.
But don’t we all do this? We all have avoided the truth. Shoot, we avoid the truth even when we ask for it. Hearing the truth is hard because it often forces us to come to terms with reality, and forces us to hold ourselves accountable.
We know the truth, but (as was famously yelled by Jack Nicholson’s character in A Few Good Men) “You can’t handle the truth!”
In athletics, feedback is often the most widely used tool for relaying truths. Feedback in sports has to be honest if it’s going to help anyone grow. Sugarcoating the truth or shifting blame only delays progress. Pointing the finger at referees, conditions, teammates, or even coaches might feel easier in the moment, but it takes the focus off the one thing you can actually control—your own actions, your own effort, your own response. In short, you can control YOU. And you can both deal with reality and hold yourself accountable.
Recently, myself and my assistant coaches had a conversation with a group of players on our team asking for feedback on what both we, as coaches, and they, as players, needed to focus on to help move our team forward.
Now, anytime one asks for feedback, there is a healthy level of “bracing for impact” that is needed because open and honest feedback often relays one of two (or both) truths:
Truth #1: Feedback reveals something you did not notice yourself
Truth #2: Feedback brings a known strength or weakness or deficiency to the surface and confirms its existence
In the first Truth that uncovers something not yet noticed, most people are usually welcoming and open to this feedback, as one can either plead ignorance - Oh I never noticed that! Or one can express gratitude - Thank you for bringing that to my attention!
The second Truth is harder to swallow when a known weakness is brought to surface because it forces you to come to terms with that reality--mostly because it’s the idea that it’s no longer hidden. It’s been brought to the surface. We can all clearly see that the Emperor has no clothes.
And now…well now you’ve got to look in the mirror and see what everyone else sees and then DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. You have to change.
Back to the conversation my coaches and I had with a group of players.
The players gave us some good feedback that we needed to put into action, and then it was our turn to give them feedback. Was our feedback going to reveal something new to them or bring a known deficiency to the surface??
It was Door (Truth) #2 - our feedback quite simply brought something to the surface. They knew it, and agreed with it, as soon as we said it. They acknowledged it, and acknowledged that they needed to hold themselves more accountable to this action. They knew it was going to be hard, but they were willing to face reality and make a change.
The truth is that sometimes we need a conversation with honest feedback, and sometimes the most honest conversation you need to have is with yourself.
Whether you need to turn off the lights and face the darkness, or turn on the lights to see more clearly, “If you want to make the world a better place, take a look at yourself and then make that change.”
So, what conversation do you need to have?
